On the fifth day of Xtina-mas, Xtina gave to me a tropical take on an old friend and an advertising campaign made of PURE LIES in the form of 2011’s Secret Potion. Since 2011 is one of the roughest, weirdest years in Christina Aguilera’s career, I’m not going to politely ask to add a little context. LET’S JUST GET INTO IT.
2011 was a helluva year to be alive if you were Christina Aguilera herself, because GIRL, wha’ happened?!? Bionic and Burlesque were supposed to make 2010 Xtina’s year, but I can’t buy every album and ticket, so they didn’t, and that had to suck. Added to that, 2010 was also the year she got divorced, but surely things will have to get better, right? WRONG. Nothing changes on New Year’s Day!
Things were off to a rough start when she forgot the words to the National Anthem during the Super Bowl:
Christina Aguilera is a fighter, though, and she bounced back by landing a gig as one of the judges on The Voice, the reality singing competition originally sold as the one that wouldn’t be about looks because the judges couldn’t see the singers, but since none of the contestants had a parasitic twin or looked like a cast member from Todd Browning’s Freaks, THEY LIED.
At the same time, there were rumors that Christina Aguilera was easing the pain of last year’s disappointments between a handle of vodka and a ten-piece bucket of fried chicken, so even though Xtina was showing up to work on time, she was showing up to work like this:
It was breathtaking, really. I say this with zero irony, but there’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about Zaftigna’s circa-2011 scorching glamour. I miss it.
And while Xtina was busy being the only reason to watch NBC’s Please God Let Us Find the Next Susan Boyle, Lady Gaga was put on the cover of Vogue, was not (uh huh, wink wink) “inspired by” Madonna’s “Express Yourself”, and made a bid to go from Mother Monster to Mother Messiah to the ‘Mos with the release of Born This Way. By the time she was not (uh huh, wink wink) being “inspired by” Bette Midler’s mermaid-in-a-wheelchair act, though, it was starting to just look desperate. I like to imagine that somewhere in WeHo, Zaftigna looked up from her Double Down to let out a celebratory melismatic cackle for the small victory found in the shifting tides.
ANYWAYS, despite having a busy schedule showing contestants onThe Voice how they should sing if they have a voice like hers but they don’t so just quit now, Xtina also released Secret Potion, which is basically what happens when you punch up the generically fruity accord from Christina Aguilera with a bit of passion fruit and citrus and switch out the vanilla bean with tonka bean. It’s exotic, in a Hi-C tropical punch kind of way. That’s fine, I guess, but it doesn’t really do much that we haven’t seen a Christina Aguilera fragrance already do before. In fact, the only thing particularly new about Secret Potion is the Real Doll face the marketing department gave Xtina in the print ad:
And don’t even get me started on the commercial where sprays herself and then ends up covered in tons of f*cking sequins:
But you know what happens when you actually spray it on yourself? You get covered with NONES of f*cking sequins. It’s like The Voice‘s advertising all over again: NOTHING BUT LIES.