Perfume, Random Asides

How Many Bottles of Shalimar Would You Buy From This QVC Spot?

I know “How many bottles of Shalimar would you buy from this QVC spot?” sounds like trick question because of course the answer should be “None, because I already have it”, but I promise it’s not. Seriously, the two women in this promo are shilling for Shalimar hard, and since you can never have too much Shalimar, let let us watch them sell, Sell, SELL as we count the ways you might want to reward their hard work:

  • One bottle for revisionist history: Maybe my favorite think about this clip is how much they stress that Shalimar has a romantic back story. I get that Shalimar is basically the quintessential classic perfume, so it probably needs no introduction, but I’ve always found the power and the appeal of Shalimar to be its unabashed eroticism. “This crown jewel of French perfume says you’re independent, DTF, and possibly keep a copy of the Kama Sutra on your coffee table ‘as a conversation starter'” might not be the best pitch to the target QVC audience, but describing Shalimar as some ode to great love seems a little silly, non?
  • Two bottles for THAT HAIR (one for each of them): To my left, the woman from Guerlain is giving me “I think I tried the *same* color of Feria back in my freshman year” chills, and to the right, the woman from QVC is some sort of Midwestern salon Brundlefly of circa-2008 Kate Gosselin and Suze Orman. It’d be rude to reward only one of them.
  • One bottle for the Guerlain Lady’s commitment to monochrome: This ensemble invites me to make awful puns like “Merlot-gasm,” so I approve, obviously.
  • One bottle for the for image of the Taj Mahal at 5:08: “I believe we have an image of the Taj Mahal. Oh, just this? ‘Cos I thought we had one of the Taj Mahal, I’m pretty sure. If we don’t, it’s okay. Oh, this is it.”
  • One bottle for the way QVC Lady aggressively clutches her Shalimar bottle: She holds it so hard I’m afraid they won’t let her have any Shalimar afterwards, so somebody should send her a bottle because she really seems to like it.
  • One bottle in protest of that body lotion: Are you trying to tell me you don’t wear perfume on casual days? Get out of here with that nonsense! I don’t care if I spend my entire weekend in a Spaghetti-Os-stained Care Bare adult onesie. You are never too casual for perfume.

So there we have it! I counted seven bottles. What about you? And don’t you dare try to act like I don’t need them. It’s QVC! What am I supposed to do? Watch it and not make a ridiculous impulse buy? No no, that’d just make me a monster.

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